Rock and a Hard Place
by carlycarter
Summary: Kahlan/Cara, Kahlan/Richard mostly focused on Kahlan and a dark secret she is desperate to keep from Richard, and to spare anyone else from danger, she finds an unlikely confidant in Cara and...see for yourself...
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

I will miss this, Kahlan thinks, as she closes her eyes, for the briefest moment, and allows herself to inhale, the sting of the icy cold air reaching her lungs makes her feel alive. And then, she opens her eyes. She has faced battle many times. Many times been near to death. Its not the first time she has been certain that she had breathed her last breath on this earth. This isn't new to her.

But something is missing. That adrenaline of the fight, it's not there. That racing heart, the way her muscles tense in readiness to pounce, its gone. Instead she feels her heart slowing. She feels a kind of peace. A weariness. A longing for it to all be over. There is no fight left in the Mother Confessor.

Her two opponents stand opposite. Not quite close enough that she could reach out and touch them. She knows this, from a life time of confessing people, a lifetime of making that judgement. Just how much room she needed, how much time. But there is safe distance, for the moment. Although as she stares at Richard and Cara opposite her, it frightens her a little that her mind had wandered to confession. As if she had been planning to confess one of both of them. But, after all, she is a Confessor. That's what Confessors do.

She has the luxury of letting her mind wander, because Richard and Cara are still just standing there.

It's Kahlan's ability to predict an opponents next move in battle that had been her trump card. Sure, she fought admirably when required. But there was more to it than strength and agility. And it stirs an uncomfortable sensation in her, as she realises she hasn't the slightest inkling what either of them will do next. She looks to their eyes, but she cant read them. Well, she had never been able to read a Mord Sith. But Richard, she looks to him and makes no sense of what she sees. And again it strikes an unpleasant cord that she is thinking in terms of battle. Thinking of Richard and Cara as opponents. But that's how it feels. She feels attacked. And perhaps her mind has become so darkened that it's the only way she can relate to anyone. Kill or confess.

Kahlan's weapon is drawn, poised in her steady hand, she takes comfort from the familiar stance.

Richard hasn't drawn his sword. He wont, Kahlan knows he won't. She shakes her head a little at him, almost laughing. He has so much to learn.

What does catch Kahlan by surprise, is that Cara doesn't have her agiel at the ready, either. If you could say one thing about Cara, it's that she had always been quick to "shoot first, ask questions later". But her agiel hangs benignly at her side, her hand on her hip. Cara tilts her head slightly to one side, with a hint of bemused confusion on her face. Kahlan doesn't realise that she mirrors the gesture, slightly tilting her own head. It's become so natural, that exchanged glance between her and Cara.

"Kahlan?" Cara asks, feigning impatience, tapping her foot on the ground rhythmically. Kahlan listens to the sound of Cara's foot, and she feels her heart beating. It slows, Kahlan feels her heart slow, in time with Cara's tapping foot. As if under some sort of enchantment.

Richard takes a step towards Kahlan. Kahlan gasp in horror, involuntarily, as Richard almost reaches her, almost touches her, before Cara pulls him back.

And it doesn't take much, just Cara's gentle hand on his shoulder. It's not like she had to tackle him to the ground or anything. This only proves to Kahlan how afraid Richard is of her. She told him long ago, she never wanted him to be afraid of her. It was the one thing she most feared. Perhaps not the one thing, she admits. One of many.

Richard mustn't really want to come to her, Kahlan decides, or else he wouldn't be so willing to submit to Cara. It was rather odd, the way Richard let Cara take charge of the situation. Richard was more than comfortable giving the orders. But he stands in silent defeat for the moment.

"Do NOT touch me, Seeker." The icy venom in the Mother Confessors voice matches the icy wind. And it stings him. But he is compliant. He does not move. Even Cara takes a step back, protectively standing in front of Richard. Of course. Her number one concern, protecting the seeker.

Kahlan smiles a little then, she realises Richard will be just fine without her. Cara will make sure of that.

"Ok." Richard begins, calmly. In that annoying way he has of being so confident that he can solve any problem. "I don't think you've thought this through, Listen..."

"No!" Kahlan interrupts him forcefully. "This is not the time to listen."

"Ok." He acknowledges trying not to sound defeated. "What is it time for? Talk to me, I'm confused." He stops himself before telling her _'Kahlan you're acting crazy, you're not yourself._' He knows enough about her to know that it would only anger her more.

"I'm sorry you're confused, Seeker." Kahlan answers, although her dismissive bitter tone makes it sound as if she isn't sorry in the slightest. She did however make deliberate omission of his name. Calling him "Seeker" as opposed to "Richard" seemed to distance them, to remove the intimacy that had developed between them. If only it was that simple.

Thing is, Kahlan is sorry. Damn sorry. Sorry enough that she can't live with any of it anymore. But she can't get into that with him. She can't allow herself to fall apart, allow him to put the pieces back together, like he is so confident he is able to. He hasn't time for this. And even he, Richard Cypher, Lord Rahl, Seeker of truth, even he can not fix this.

Richard had been right, though, she concedes. Kahlan had not thought it through very clearly. She had thought far enough to realise that she could never just disappear. It wouldn't have worked. He would have come after her. She could give no reason to convince him, though she was trying.

A strange smile crosses Kahlan's pale weary face. She finds herself thankful to the creator that SHE is the confessor, not Richard, not Cara. Thankful that they can not see into her eyes, her mind, her heart. Merciful creator, what would they see in there? See through all the lies, the pretense. She shudders as she pushes it all aside, the secrets, the lies, the dark horrible lies. She wonders what Richard would make of her if he really knew her? If it would make him ill to realise the truth? She imagines how Cara would scoff, after all the times Kahlan sat in judgement of her.

Kahlan shakes her head. Cara cocks her head to the side, in that way she always does, as if she is looking harder, as if she can make sense of this by staring into Kahlan's eyes long enough. That Cara is still standing there at all surprises Kahlan somewhat. Cara is not known for her patience. She should have wandered off long ago, leaving a snide remark behind about Richard wasting his time, and that she had better things to do. But Kahlan realises, as Cara's eyes drift to the weapon in her hand, that Cara is genuinley afraid that Kahlan will hurt Rickard.

This is an educated guess, at best, because even the Mother Confessor can not read a Mord Sith. But it is a fairly safe assumption. All Kahlan wants is for the both of them to leave her alone. But she knows it has gone too far. Richard won't leave her, not until he has the answers he wants, and Cara won't leave Richard in danger.

Kahlan lets her gaze wander off in the distance, but out of the corner of her eye she is watching closely. And they know it. They make no hasty moves.

Kahlan thinks, out of the corner of her eyes, that she sees in Richard's gaze something akin to the look in his eyes when Dennee's baby was born. His horrorstruck expression when it was explained to him that the new born had to be killed, that she herself was willing to drown her own nephew before he even had a chance to live.

Something akin to the confused fearful expression that had been there when he first saw her confess someone. When he realised what confession is, how it robs a person of their life, as surely as if Kahlan had murdered them. The injustice of it all, a man losing his free will. Enslaved to her. For life.

Something akin to that look he always had on his face, when she was in the con dar. She never told him that she remembers everything. That even though she isn't in control, his eyes burn into her, his fear. The way he looks a her like she is a monster. She could never forget it.

Richard loved her, she cant deny that. She has looked into his eyes and seen it. He was even willing to be enslaved to her. But there was something holding him back at the injustice of others being confessed, enslaved. Maybe even a little flicker of jealousy. There was always something about her that he could never understand.

Kahlan had heard him and Zedd talking. They thought she was asleep. It wasn't the first time Kahlan had overheard Richard asking Zedd about her, about confessors, about the Midlands

_"It just seems strange." Richard had mused that night, "I mean to take a mate, someone like a D'Haran soldier confessed in battle, and make a family with him. Why would a confessor do that?" Richard struggled to understand._

_"It's not so simple." Zedd answered wearily. "Confessors have a duty to extend the line of confessors. Especially in this day and age, the line faces extinction. The number of confessors in the Midlands has dropped drastically in recent years. Children have to be born, to keep the line going."_

_"Girl children." Richard corrected with a slight annoyance._

_"Richard, they are ancient ways, and powerful reasons for the way things are done. It seems very simple in your mind, but you don't understand everything. You are young, idealistic, you think you know best about everything, but there is much about the Midlands you don't understand."_

_"So," Richard struggled to make sense of it "Because I didn't grow up here, like you, like Kahlan, I can never understand anything about the Midlands? And I'm not entitled to my opinion about what is right and wrong?" Richard challenged._

_"Dear boy, settle down. I said nothing of the sort. Only that things in the Midlands are not so simple. Things can't be as you want them to be simply because you want them to be." Zedd clarified. _

_"You mean, that Kahlan and I can never be together?" Richard finished for him._

_"You understand that reasons." Zed re iterated._

_"I can't say I do. I love her, I would already do anything she asked of me." Richard declared that night by the fire. _

_That made her heart race a little, and instantly fall, as she knew, just as Zedd did, that it really could never be that simple. _

_Therein lies the problem._

_"You would lose your free will, becoming enslaved. Remember Kieren and Vivian." Zedd warned passionately. _

_"It's not like the ancient ways are so trouble free." Richard shot back. "Look at Kahlan herself, look what happened to her and her sister when their mother died. It doesn't take a us to realise that marrying a D'Haran soldier isn't the wisest move to make."_

_"What would you suggest then?" Zedd asked of him. _

_"Love." He answered simply, as if he believed it with all his heart. _

_"Being enslaved to the one you love?" Zedd went on._

_"I don't even understand what that means. If you love someone aren't you already enslaved? Wouldn't you do anything for the one you love?" _

_The sad thing about it is that Richard believed in every word he spoke. That had always been the trouble with Richard. He believed in so many impossible things, and he never gave up on the things he believed in. _

"Kahlan?" Richard calls to her in a shaky voice. Snapping her back to the present. It scares her, that tremble in his tone, betraying his deep fear. She had seen him face many battles. Always with confidence. Sometimes a false confidence, but always strong. From the day she met him. He did not tremble before any one. But today, he trembles.

Cara says nothing. It's her silence that makes Kahlan look into Cara's eyes, not his.

She knows she can't read a Mord Sith. But she looks. Because Cara is a friend. That thought alone, the absurdity of it, causes Kahlan to smile a little, in spite of herself. The Mother Confessor and a Mord Sith. Not just any Mord Sith. The Mord Sith who had murdered Dennee. And her own father. And yet Kahlan calls her 'friend'. Kahlan loves her, as she loves Richard, if not more so. She can barely remember what life was like before Cara.

The crooked smile on Kahlan's face does little to reassue Cara and Richard. In fact it only seems to alarm Richard more so. But Cara looks blankly back at the Mother Confessor.

All of a sudden, Kahlan is driven by a desperation to read Cara, to know what she is thinking, feeling.

The little things Kahlan can already see, not because she is a confessor, but because she has come to know Cara. But deeper she looks. She sees something briefly flash across Cara's face. Horror. A fleeting but definite look of horror.

And that sinking feeling makes Kahlan feel a little sick. Because horror is not something you see on a Mord Sith's face. Ever. The brutality of their training, the things Cara had been subjected to from the time she was nine years old, all the torment and torture and abuse is more that enough to drive the horror from any person. But there was Kahlan, the sweet virtuous Mother Confessor, and something about Kahlan leaves the Mord Sith horrorstruck.

Kahlan realises she may be imagining things. She allows herself that luxury with Cara, imagining her thoughts. She didn't have that opportunity with any one else. With Richard, Kahlan sees things. Sees every little thing. Even when he tries to hide it. Even when he tries to make her feel better. When he lies to others, to himself. , Kahlan saw through it all. Kahlan often wishes for normalcy, the sweet mystery of wonder. The peace of not knowing.

As Kahlan notes Cara has not moved her hand from Richard's shoulder, relief washes over her. Richard will be fine without her. Cara and Zedd will see to that. What did he need a Confessor for anyway? He had never understood her. Not really. Never understood her beliefs, traditions. He never approved, mating to continue the family line, taking someone confessed, robbing men of their lives. Kahlan reminds herself that confessors don't take honourable men as mates. Confessors don't confess honourable men. Full stop. But still, confession, slavery, it was tantamount to murder in Richard's eyes. Richard never saw the sense. It's not that Kahlan sees it either, it's just that it's always been her life.

Richard spoke of the Mother Confessor's tenderness and compassion. He told others of her mercy and purity. But he had seen the flip side also. The violence, the rage, the murder. The con dar. Her perfect willingness, eagerness, to execute Cara out of vengeance, to torture her to death. Her calm declaration that her new born nephew be drowned at birth, the rigidity of her belief in tradition and prophecy.

Richard never believed in prophecy. He declared it more than once. Even though his own life, his whole entire life, is a living prophecy fulfilled.

"Kahlan?" He calls to her. "I love you." He says simply. There are tears in his eyes. "Do you doubt how much I love you? Tell me what you need, tell me what you want me to do."

A wave of nausea washes over Kahlan. How many times had she heard those words in her life time…"_Tell me what I can do for you, Confessor. I will do whatever pleases you. I love you, mistress." _

And she falls into it, like a reflex, the words spill out of her mouth.

"You only feel that way because you've been confessed." Kahlan utters without thinking.

"What are you talking about ? Confessed? "Richard asks.

"Richard hasn't been confessed. Cara declares wearily, rolling her eyes.

"Prove it." Kahlan instructs. "Kill her." Kahlan orders Richard icily. "Pick up your wretched 'sword of truth' and run it through her, that will please me." Kahlan tells Richard.

Richard and Cara only stare at her in response.

"Kahlan? I don't know what is running through your head right now. But I'm not confessed to you, and I'm not going to kill Cara .

"But thank you very much " Cara speaks up, bitterly. "If he _was_ confessed to you, then I'd be lying dead at your feet!"

Kahlan would have stopped him, of course, before he killed Cara. But she doesn't think either of them know it. They think her capable of anything. Neither one has any trouble believing that Kahlan would have Cara dead. Just like that. With one instruction.

Kahlan is forced to concede on one point though. "Maybe you're not confessed. But that is beside the point." She utters dismissively.

"What is the point?" It's Cara who asks, Richard can't bring himself to keep asking. He isn't sure he wants to know.

"You have a destiny." Kahlan directs at Richard.

"I fulfilled my destiny, I defeated Darken Rah, because of you, because you came to Westland, you found me, found Zedd. Every step of the way, Kahlan, you were by my side."

She is certain he is deliberately using her name now, seeing how it unnerves her. She feels so certain that he can see right through her.

Kahlan shrugs in response. "It wasn't me, it was the prophecy. If I hadn't come for you, someone else would have."

"If you want to go back to Aydindril…." Richard suggests finally, wearily.

That stings. "You want me to go back to Aydindril?" Kahlan repeats, in surprise and discontent.

"No, of course not! I just want you to be happy. I don't understand this. I don't understand what you're dong, but it's scaring me, Kahlan. Please." He extends his hand towards her "Come with me, lets talk."

"No." she answers defiantly.

"What about what you said, how the worst betrayal was leaving me." He asked her.

"That was before, the quest is over, Darken Rahl is defeated." She reminds him.

She looks to his outstretched hand.

"What about the prophecy..._"As long as the mother confessors true heart beats_, " He quotes.

Kahlan cut him off before he can finish "You don't believe in prophecy, Richard!" She raises her voice in absolute frustration. "You think you can pick and choose which prophecies you believe? You want to make a point in an argument with me, and suddenly you call upon prophecy as if it's sacred to you? You scoff at the very mention of prophecy."

"I don't believe." He admits. There is no point lying to a confessor anyway. "But you do, don't you Kahlan? You just said as much."

"What I believe is unimportant." She responds.

"If you believe in prophecy, as long as you stay alive, the keeper can not win. You said that once to me, that we could go away and hide some place, just you and me, and as long as you were alive the keeper would never win."

Kahlan wrinkles her brow in confusion. It takes Richard a minute to realise that she does not remember. It hits him that it wasn't her, it was half of her, when the amulet split in two. And he realises trying to explain it won't help his argument.

"Nevermind." He mutters.

"No, please continue, I Insist upon it."

"It was when the amulet split in two."

'Oh. I see." Kahlan acknowledges, uncomfortable with the fact that there are parts of her that he knows better than she knows herself. She feels violated.

"All I'm trying to say, is that if you're angry with me…." He begins.

"I'm not." She insists.

Kahlan wont look into this eyes. She doesn't want to know what she might see. It would kill her, she thinks, literally stop her heart, to see the look on Richard's face when he realises the darkness inside of her.

She smiles a little to herself at the absurdity of the thought. She is dead already. No matter what she says, what she does, there is no way out. So what would it hurt to look into the seekers eyes and see the reflection of herself? She despises herself a little more in that moment, for lacking the strength to face who she is, and what he makes of it. But these will be her last moments on earth, why torment herself? Besides, she can imagine, and had imagined, just what the seeker would make of her if he really knew her.

She runs her tongue over the Alkalis stone in her mouth, she tightens the grip on her weapon, and clenches her free hand, her 'confessor' hand. She has all she cards. But she is the one who feels helpless. Defenceless. Alone.

Kahlan places all her weight onto her right foot. Her left foot is dangling precariously over the edge of the steep embankment. Kahlan doesn't stop to think that the fear in Richard's eyes is because he is afraid FOR her. She sees only the fear, and is more than accustomed to people being afraid OF her. Her own father among them.

One bite on that stone is all it would take. Nothing he could do. All this would be over. Why torment herself going round and round in circles with the Seeker? They disagreed on almost everything. Looking back, from day one, they had never been on the same page. Then Kahlan's gaze drifts to her, in her red leather. Just standing there staring silently while Richard blathers away. She is silent. Her, and her breath of life. She was too close. 'Don't waste the stone' Kahlan scolds herself. That Mord Sith is way too close with her salvation, resurrection. There is one way out. And its straight down the bottom of that cliff top.

Kahlan inhales, this time peace washes over her, as she realises, finally, what she must do.


	2. Chapter 2

Kahlan swallows hard. Everything in her is screaming "_Jump_". But she doesn't. She can't. She feels as if there is an invisible tether holding her to Richard. She feels that if she were to jump, she would pull him along with her. And she simply can not live, or die, with that on her conscience.

In that moment, Kahlan feels that it is her under his spell, and not him under any kind of confession.

"Don't look at me, Seeker, like you're so surprised. You always knew." She shoots at him.

"Knew what?" Richard asks, genuinely confused.

"The darkness that was inside of me. You saw it when the amulet split in two. You saw it when my nephew was born and I told you what must be done. you saw it when I had my hand at Cara's throat ready to execute her. So don't look at me as if you expect to see someone innocent and sweet and kind." Kahan tells him.

"What have they done to you?" Richard finally asks the question that had been on his mind the past three days. Kahlan had not quite been herself since he and Cara had rescued her. Richard doesn't know who "_they_" were or why they took Kahlan. And Kahlan herself claimed no knowledge. But something had markedly changed in her countenance since that experience.

"Why is it so important to believe that someone has done something to me?" Kahlan challenges, while at the same time avoiding the question. "Nothing has been _"done_" to me. I have told you over and over. Do you not understand who I am, Seeker? I am a Confessor, the Mother Confessor. I make people do things that I want, people don't do things to me."

Her tone reminds Richard again of the time the amulet split in two. She is logical and concise, but harsh and cold, as if a part of her were missing.

"You know." Richard muses, because he is quite at a loss for what to say or do. "You remind me very much of Cara. Your stubborn pride is going to get you killed. So just stop this, and tell us what is going on."

"If you cared about me, you would never ask me that. I told you, don't ask me. Ever. Why can't you respect what I ask of you, Seeker?" Kahlan ignores his insult, trying to remain calm and not let him anger her.

_'Because you're standing so close to the edge,_' Richard wants to scream at her '_Because something is very very wrong and I don't understand why you wont tell me what it is._' But he sighs in frustration, and for a moment says nothing.

It's Cara who speaks up. "I don't particulary care." She announces. "And I made no such promise. And I think the least you owe Richard is an explanation."

Kahlan only stares at her.

"Fine." Cara tells the other woman. "You had your chance. I'm not interested anymore. Do what you want. Jump if you want to jump. We aren't stopping you, are we?"

"Cara!" Richard shrieks at her, but Cara only smiles and raises her eyebrows at Kahlan.

"Don't take it out on me, Richard. I'm not being heartless or cruel. Just logical. I'm not encouraging her to do anything. She is a big girl. She is standing on a cliff top, very close to the edge, waving her sword at us, and if I'm not mistaken she has an Alkalis stone in her mouth. She has made her intentions clear, and has obviously thought it all out. I don't think there is anything you or I can do to stop her. She has made up her mind. And as you rightly said earlier, she is rather stubborn. So I don't see why we are all still standing here talking about it." Cara turns back to Kahlan "Go on, Kahlah, Do it."

Kahlan blinks, and stares for a moment into Cara's eyes, trying to make sense of her words, her actions. She had not been expecting Cara to tell her to jump. Sure, it was one thing to tell herself that Richard and Cara are better off without her around, but to hear it so plainly from Cara's mouth, well that hurt. More than a little. And it takes Kahlan a minute to process.

"Not in front of him." Kahlan tells Cara.

"Well." Cara laughs slightly. "He isn't going to leave you, and this can't be news to you. So make your choice. Do it already, or step away from the edge. End this, now, one way or the other. Jump, or bite down on that stone, or take your chances and attack us with the sword. Do something."

Kahlan makes no answer, no move. Cara inches surreptiotiously closer. "I think you don't really want to do any of those things, do you Kahlan? I think you want something else."

"There is nothing else." Kahlan says through gritted teeth as she tries, so hard, not to let her eyes water in front of Richard and Cara.

"You seem very certain of that." Cara observes. "But perhaps if you explained the problem, the three of us could come up with something, after all we have found our way out of many situations in the past."

Kahlan looks deeper into Cara's eyes, and Richard notices that her arm relaxes, and she lowers her sword. It irritates Richard, more than a little, that Cara, who just told Kahlan to go ahead and jump off a cliff, is actually getting somewhere in breaking through to Kahlan, while he is getting nowhere. Richard doesn't dare speak, afraid he will undo all the progress Cara has done in mere minutes.

"There must be something you haven't thought of." Cara insists.

"Zedd." Kahlan whipsers, as if a thought just occurred to her.

"Zedd will be back in three days, he went to visit his brother." Richard speaks up hesitantly.

"You asked what I needed." Kahlan snaps "And I need Zedd."

"What can Zedd do that I can't?" Cara asks, as if she were insulted.

"A great many things." Kahlan answers vaguely . But it is clear she has one specific thing on her mind.

"Fine." Richard answers quickly. "Cara, you travel to get Zedd, and Kahlan please, come over here, away from the edge."

Kahlan shakes her head. "Not Cara, you." She tells Richard.

Richards face falls, he can't deny he is hurt by the fact Kahlan is ordering him away. But he does see the way Cara is talking to Kahlan, the way Kahlan is starting to come around and open up. He doesn't understand it by any stretch of the imagination, but he sees it. Kahlan and Cara don't really get along all that well, they disagree all the time. And Cara isn't exactly being sweet and compassionate. But whatever Cara is doing, it is working. So Richard finally gives in. Kahlan's tone may have been cold and demanding, but her eyes were pleading. And he can not refuse her anything.

"Ok, I will go."Richard agrees. "But first, Kahlan, please, step away from the edge." He begs.

Kahlan looks from him to Cara and back to him again.

"First you step back, behind that tree." Kahlan points. "And don't dare move an inch." She adds in warning.

Richard nods, and backs away slowly towards the direction Kahlan had pointed. He raises his hands in the air, as if in surrender.

Kahlan feels dizzy with the power of control over him. The power of making him back away when he swore not to. Dizzy and light headed and more than a little sick.

Cara doesn't move, and if this bothers Kahlan, she makes no sign of it. Cara reaches her hand slowly towards the other woman. Cara is fully gloved in her red leather. And somehow this makes it ok in Kahlan's mind to take her hand. It doesn't feel like she is touching human skin. It is surreal. Cara pulls her gently away from the edge and Kahlan stumbles as Cara pushes her along the ground, until she is a safe distance from the cliff top, with Cara standing between her and the edge. But Cara still has hold of her hand, and Kahlan makes no move to push her away.

"Sit." Cara tells her. Kahlan looks over to Richard. He hasn't moved one inch, just like she instructed him. But she still won't sit. It feels too much like defeat.

"Take the amulet." Kahlan tells Richard, as she glances towards his general direction but careful not to meet his eyes.

"I thought it was broken." Cara interrupted.

"Zedd fixed it." Kahlan answers. "Besides, he only needs half of it, just enough magic to transport himself here." Kahlan explains.

"And what about me?" Richard asks.

"You." Kahlan tells him "Can walk." She tried to harden her voice, to sound cold, but her voice is trembling. She hates herself for it but she can not stop it from happening, from betraying to him her vulnerability and her feelings for him.

Richard looks to Cara, and Cara gives him an ever so slight nod.

"Go with him."Kahlan tells Cara.

"No." Cara answers.

"You can not let the Seeker go alone, I'm surprised I have to remind you of your duty to protect Richard."

"Ricahrd will be fine. He can take care of himself." Cara insists. The words sound strange and unfamiliar to her, and she doesn't really believe them. But Kahlan needs her more.

"Usually you're the one fawning all over Richard." Kahlan accuses Cara. "_Richard, let me protect you_." Kahlan mimics Cara's voice.

"Unless," Cara responds "Richard gives me a direct instruction otherwise. Besides, Richard doesn't need me to find Zedd." Cara asserts.

"I don't need you either." Kahlan mutters.

Kahlan almost thinks she sees Cara's eyes widen in shock, disappointment, almost as if Kahlan had hurt her feelings. But the look is fleeting, and Kahlan convinces herself it was imagined.

"Well." Richard speaks up, sensing a shift in the mood that he was anxious to dispell. "Let me make that an order then, Cara. As the presiding Lord Rahl, I order you to remain here while I am gone, and protect Kahlan as if she were me." He looks pleased with himself at the proclamation.

"Yes, Lord Rahl." Cara answers obediently, shooting Kahlan a glance of smug victory.

It sickened Kahlan to see the blind obedience from Cara, who had always known her own mind. Kahlan can't help the bitterness creeping over her. "I suppose that's what you always wanted from me, Seeker, blind obedience? Someone who would worship you and obey your every command without question?"

"Without question?" Richard scoffs. "Cara questions my every word. Argues with every thing I do!"

"But she still follows you." Kahlan explains. "Your word is above all, the one shining truth."

"I'm not the creator, not someone to be worshipped." Richard insists. "Everyone has a place, you, me, Cara, Zedd. We have all made errors in judgement along the way, all been wrong about things. I almost killed you in that Mord Sith temple, I almost allowed myself to be consumed by rage with the minders. I don't ask for blind obedience from anyone. But I thought I meant something to you. I know I did. You sacrificed your sister, or so you believed at the time, to come to Westland to find me."

Cara cringes at the mention of Dennee, but can't bring herself to silence Richard.

"You and Zedd told me that you would lay down your lives for me." Ricahrd continues.

"That I would." Kahlan acknowledges.

"I would rather you didn't." Richard tells her.

"Again, with what YOU want, Richard." Kahlan is fast losing her cool, and lets his name slip off her tongue.

"Am I such a terrible monster because I want you to live?" He challenges.

"You want me to live?" Kahlan clarifies. "Or you want me to live with you? Following you? Obeying you? Risking my life for you?"

"Is that a trick question?" Richard wants to know, but he answers just the same. "Yes, I want you with me, I need you, but even more than that I want you to be happy, I want you to believe in life, to value your own life as you value mine."

That kind of thing irritated her about Richard, his optimism. "Not everyone's life is as simplistic as yours." Kahlan tells him.

Before Ricahard can argue further, Cara interrupts. "You should get going, it will be dark soon." She says to Richard.

"Is that what you want, Kahlan?" Richard asks, ignoring Cara. "You want me gone? Is that why you want me to take the amulet to Zedd? So that he will be here, and Cara will be here, and I will be gone?"

"Yes, I want you gone." Kahlan whispers.

"Ok." Richard acknowledges "Well you don't need to go to all this trouble, all you need do is say so."

"I just did."Kahlan aswers coldly.

"Just go, Richard." Cara tells him. "This isn't helping anything."

Kahlan leans against the tree, staring defiantly at Richard, arms folded across her middle.

"Sit with me." Cara invites Kahlan, wanting Kahlan to turn from Richard.

"Are you leaving?" Kahlan demands of Richard, ignoring Cara's outstretched hand.

"Please, sit with Cara, and I will go." He tells her.

Kahlan looks to Richard, but says to Cara "I can kill you with one touch."

"So what?" Cara dismisses.

With that Kahlan shrugs, and allows Cara to pull her along. Cara sits first, casually crossing her legs and Kahlan follows, dropping to her knees.

"Now go, please, and find Zedd." Kahlan orders. She almost sounds like the old Kahlan, and something in her voice breaks. She turns away as a stray tear falls from her eyes. She promised herself she would NOT cry in front of him.

Something breaks inside him also. "I will go and get Zedd, because you asked me to, Kahlan. And I will leave you with Cara, because you asked me to the be one to leave you. But you will promise me you won't do anything crazy until I come back with Zedd."

Kahlan rolls her eyes. "I promise I wont touch a hair on Cara's head, and if you don't believe me then take her with you."

"I'm not worried about Cara, I'm worried about you. Kahlan, please, promise me you will be here when I get back with Zedd. I won't go until you look me in the eye and say it."

There was so little she could promise him. But he asked for just a few days. It wasn't unreasonable.

"Ok." Kahlan agreed. "I promise."

"I believe you." He tells her.

She thinks it must be hard, not being able to read people, to have to take someone at their word when they promised something to you. But Richard only ever believed the best in people.

"But only until you get Zedd." She adds quickly.

"Ok." Richard agrees, and turns to leave.

"Richard, wait." Kahlan calls to him to stop, and he turns expectantly towards her.

"Yes, Kahlan?"

"The reason I asked to see Zedd is because I want to ask him something. Something that only he can know And that's all. I don't need him to do anything. Or fix anything. I'm not under some dark enchantment that he can break." Kahlan tells him.

"I never said you were." Richard acknowledges.

"I see it in your eyes, what you think. You can't lie to a confessor."

"No, I can not." He acknowledges. "But you lie to me."

"When?" She asks defensively. "When have I ever lied to you?" Kahlan is aware of her long long list of faults, but lying is not among them.

"Richard just go!" Cara insists.

"How about when you said this- _I'll always be at your side, Richard_." He mocks her words. "_I can't think of a worse betrayal than leaving you, Richard." _

"Don't you have enough doted servants fawning over you, Lord Rahl?" Kahlan asks bitterly.

"Servants fawning over me? Do you think that's what you are to me? What Cara is to me? Zedd too? And all the people of the Midlands that I fought for?" He wants to know.

"Oh yes, that YOU fought for, single handedly." Kahlan adds sarcastically.

"Richard, you are making things worse, just go!" Cara instructs.

"Odd that you accuse me of wanting doting servants, when you just accused me five minutes ago of being confessed to you." He muses.

"Being confessed isn't an accusation against you." Kahlan objects.

"You tell me I'm blindly confessed to you, and yet you then tell me that it's how I see you, and Cara, as obedient servants? Did I mean nothing more than that? Did our love mean anything to you? Maybe not. Maybe you just aren't capable of understanding love. After all you don't have the luxury of love, so you keep telling me. Neither did your parents. In a way your upbringing is every bit as perverted and twisted as hers." Richard points to Cara.

"Hey!" Cara objects automatically to the insult.

At the same time Kahlan asks incredulously "Are you really comparing Confessors to Mord Sith?"

"Maybe you just aren't capable of understanding what a family is all about." Richard decides. "That you and Zedd and Cara are family to me. That I can't stand to see you unhappy. Maybe you don't understand that what you do affects me, and Cara, and Zedd. And the Midlands." Richard feels somehow that it is permissable to yell at Kahlan now, to disagree with her and challenge her, after all she is kneeling on the ground, a safe distance from the cliff top, she has dropped her sword, and still has hold of Cara's hand, So it's not like she is in any danger of hurting herself, or anyone else. He has quite forgotten about the stone that she has gritted in between her teeth. "You may very well be the world's last confessor, Have you thought about that?!" Richard demands. He is angry, more angry than he has let himself feel in a long long time. She frightened him so completely when he saw her standing so close to that edge, when she refused to come to him. He feels powerless and frustrated and betrayed.

"Yes, I've thought about that. I've thought a lot about that." Kahlan answers cryptically. "But things are never as simple as you want them to be, Richard."

"It IS simple." He insists. "I don't understand what is going on, but I love you, I believe in you, I would lay down my life for you."

"Don't say such things, Seeker. You don't have the luxury of love either. You have to think about your quest." Kahlan scolds him.

"The quest is over."

"There will be others." Kahlan tells him.

Cara speaks up finally. For the longest time she could think of nothing to say, and so she remained silent. But something sticks in her mind "Remember that time in the tomb?" Cara asks Kahlan. Richard looks to Cara, anxious to see where she is going. Cara relays the story Richard had never heard, about how she had ordered Kahlan to kill her, but Kahlan refused.

"Your life was more important." Cara insists "Yet you refused to sacrifice me. Why?"

"Because my life is not more important." Kahlan answers impatiently.

"Neither is mine more important than yours." Richard tells Kahlan.

"The Seeker is more important." Kahlan insists.

"The seeker can be replaced. I was replaced when I was in the palace of the prophets. Seekers come and go. I believed you when you told me you would lay down your life for me. But believe me, look into my eyes, and hear me when I tell you I would lay down my life before I let anything happen to you. You know it's true, Kahlan, you know it."

With those words Richard turns suddenly and walks away, as if he is satisfied that he has made him point, leaving Kahlan staring after him, literally biting her tongue to stop herself calling out his name. She had almost forgotten Cara was right there, by her side, until she felt Cara tightly squeeze her hand.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sincerely thanks for all the lovely comments and support. This is for all of you :) Apologies for the delay, but I am back in the Kahlan/Cara mood and really want to finish this now :) I will update more frequently, chapter four to come. I can't find a beta reader, as will be obvious. Forgive any errors, and if anyone knows a beta reader or wants to volunteer please let me know :) _

_Many thanks to you all xxoox , Carly _

_**Chapter 3**_

Kahlan wont turn her eyes from Richard until he is out of sight and well over the horizon. She doesn't _have_ to turn around to know Cara's eyes are glued to her. The isn't much daylight left. Richard won't get far in one night. She and Cara will probably camp where they are. It was a good spot. Easy visibility in all directions, good shelter from the weather as the dense trees towered over them.

She wonders what Cara makes of her, standing there, long brown hair blowing in the breeze as her eyes are glued to the Seeker. She is the Mother Confessor, the highest moral authority in all The Midlands. Not that a Mord Sith would respect motal authority. Like Cara once told her, _There is no one a Mord Sith should hate more than a Confessor. _

Yet it isn't hatred Kahlan feels emanating from the woman standing tall and proud behind her. Nothing like hatred. That strikes a fear in Kahlan, fear in the very core of her being. Everything had been turned upside down. The world wasn't as it should be. It should be that Cara has her agiel ready to strike, That Kahlan has her hand ready to steal Cara's life with one touch.

Kahlan closes her eyes, as the seeker disappears over the horizon. A picture comes to her mind. A memory. From the time Richard had been controlled by Denna. Denna trying to command Richard to kill Kahlan. Denna tormenting Kahlan, and imploing Richard _"End her pain! Kill her!" _

Kahlan thinks about how deeply afraid she had been for the pain to end. _The pain must not end._ The physical pain from the agiels touch. And the agonising pain of watching Richard, sword in hand, inching towards her with murder in his eyes.

Something deep inside of her took hold, the pain must not end, she decied. This pain must never end. When the pain ends, life ends, hope ends. This must not end. That's what her eyes had said to Richard in that desperate moment. _The pain must not end. _

Suddenly she is snapped back to reality, and turns to face Cara.

"Do it." Kahlan orders in that quietly authoratitive tone that she would use with someone under her power. She says it calmly, firmly, as if she expects instant obedience.

"Do what?" Cara asks casually.

"One strike from your agiel and you could kill me, like you wanted to from the first day we met. Kill me like you killed my sister and all the other confessors on Valeria. It's what you were trained for, right?"

It isn't a angry taunt, Kahlan doesnt seem upset or angry in the slightest. Her tone is steady and even as if she were discussiong the weather, not the taboo subject of Cara murdering her sister in cold blood.

"No." Cara tells her simply.

"Do it, now." Kahlan orders, losing patience.

"Or what?" Cara scoffs. "Or you're gonna confess me?"

"You think I wont?" Kahlan challenges.

"I know you Kahlan." Cara asserts, "I KNOW you wont." It strikes Cara as a little odd, as flashes from the past come back to her. Kahlan in the con dar, wanting to kill her after she found out about Dennee. Kahlan with her hand so close to Cara's neck, as the angry crowd scream for Kahlan to confess her. One more inch, one more minute, and she would have been dead. But that was before.

"What's to stop me?" Kahlan wants to know. "I could confess you, Order you to drive my own knife straight through my heart. When I die, swiftly, you will be released from confession. No harm done." Kahlan explains her reasoning.

"No harm?!" Cara asks incredulousy. " And how will I explain this to Richard? When he returns and finds you lying dead in a pool of blood and the sword in my hands? Did you think about that, Mother Confessor? Or the fact that I'm a Mord Sith. Your touch would kill me, too."

"Not if you are fast enough with the knife." Kahlan responds.

Quickly Cara reaches forward, knocking the knife from Kahlan's hand. It was too easy. As if Kahlan wanted her to do it. The knife lands on the muddy ground between them.

"Do it." Kahlan repeats in encouragement, as Cara, without realising, has her hand on the agiel.. A battle reflex. Nothing more, Cara tells herself. A reflex. Like any opponent, any argument, it's a reflex, she didn't want to hurt Kahlan. She wouldn't.

Kahlan smiles at her "Do it." She whispers, and it sends shivvers down the Mord Sith's spine.

But Cara moves her hand away from the agiel, trying to hide her frustration. What she does, instead, is reach for the rope. It's not her style, the rope, but it seems like something Richard would do. She will just tie Kahlan up and wait for Richard. How pleased will he be, to see Cara has resisted using her agiel. That she benignly left the dear sweet Mother Confessor unharmed, tied to a tree.

But something shifts in the air as Kahlan spies the rope. She hadn't been expecting that. Kahlan's eyes flicker with intense darkness, and a sudden clap of thunder makes the two women jump in suspense. Cara had seen that flicker in Kahlan's eyes before. The reddish glow of something dark and unstoppable.

Cara sees it in time. She recognises the warning signs. And although she would admit this to no person ever, she is a little bit intimidated. Cara is brave, but she is not foolish. And she drops the rope to the ground just in time. It lands right next to the discarded knife. While Cara is quite confident Kahlan wouldn't hurt her _on purpose_, she has seen Kahlan in the Con Dar, no one in her path would be safe, not even Richard. That's a fact.

Cara doesn't doubt Kahlan would run if she had the chance. That's how Cara sees it. That Kahlan is afraid of her too, afraid of the agiel, the pain, if not afraid of death. Somehow Cara has little faith in the oath Kahlan swore to The Seeker, that she would remain quietly here with Cara until Zedd or Richard returned. Cara has no desire to fight physically with Kahlan. They had been down that road before, and truth be told Kahlan was a formidable opponent. And, fact or the matter is, Kahlan really _could_ kill her with one touch. Still, she supposes she would battle Kahlan to the death on Richards instruction, if that's what it came down to.

The irony it isn't lost on her, the fact Kahlan _wanted_ to die, Richard ordered Cara to keep her safe and sound, but how could Cara stop her if she wanted to leave? If she just got up and decided to walk away, to live, to die, what could Cara do? Torment her with the Agiel? She has already seen that look in Kahlan's eyes, the rage, preceding the con dar. Cara knows she wouldn't stand a chance against Kahlan in the con dar. So really, what was the point of sitting here, with Kahlan? She couldn't make Kahlan do anything, she couldn't promise Richard that Kahlan would be safe. She wasn't the creator with power over life or death. Killing people, that she can do. Keeping people alive? That's different. Sure, she fought for Darken Rahl, the way she now fights for Richard. She protected them, kept them alive by battling enemies. But in both cases she was fighting for someone who wanted her to fight. Fighting for someone who has already given up, that's just not possible. Fighting an oponent who wanted to die, well there was no purpose in that. Much as she hates to admit it, Kahlan has the upper hand. All she can do is sit. And wait. And hope that Zedd arrives soon.

"Give me your Agiel." Kahlan breaks the awkward silence with a new request. Her tone so confident, as if the agiel was what she wanted all along. As if she were a child negotiationg for some priviledge, asking for the world, and settling for the smaller gift she really wanted.

"The stone Spit it out." Cara repsonds. She is stalling handing over the agiel, and she also wants to make it clear to Kahlan that Kahlan isn't the only one giving orders. That Cara has some sort of power in the situation.

"Why should I?" Kahlan shrugs, involuntarily, though she doesn't refuse.

Cara answers her, because she has nothing else to do. "Number one- you don't need it. It's of no use to you. You bite down on that stone, I give you the breath of life, right back where we started. Number two, that stone is mine. You took it from me." Care explains.

Something shifts in Kahlan's eyes as she takes in a sharp breath. It takes Kahlan by surprise to realise that she was utterly powerless. She couldn't even die. If possible, she felt even more hopeless than when she had been standing on that ledge dangling her foot over with the knife at her throat. There was no escape, not even death.

"Should more careful with your possessions," Kahlan retorts. An acknowledgement she had taken it from Cara, wondering what Cara needed it for in the first place.

Cara has no reply to that. Truth is she had become somewhat lazy. Too trustful of the people she travelled with, Richard, Zedd, Kahlan. It didn't occur to her to suspect one of them would go through her things, much less steal from her. And she shakes her head slightly at the person she has become. Outsmarted by the Mother Confessor.

"Give me the agiel." Kahlan orders.

"Give me the stone." Cara replies in kind.

"Like you said, it's no use to me, so why do you want it?" Kahlan asks.

"Because. Its. MINE." Cara insists coldly.

Something in the harshness of Cara's voice gives Kahlan some sort of peace.

Without a word, Kahlan takes the stone from her mouth and flicks it across the muddy ground to Cara's feet. Cara smashes it to smitherines with the agiel, the ground beneath them shakes a little, as lightening flashes across the sky.

"Very well." Kahlan acknowledges. "Now, the agiel."

"What do you want it for? You can't hurt me with it." Cara asks curiously.

"If I wanted to hurt you I would kill you with my bare hand, I don't need an agiel." Kahlan reminds her.

"So you keep telling me." Cara mutters. "You know the agiel brings pain to the person that holds it."

"I know that Cara." Kahlan says condescendingly." I've been struck with an agiel before, many times." Kahlan isn't used to arguing. She is used to speaking, and her will being done. And she speaks to Cara now, asking for the agiel, and expecting it to be handed to her. She had been struck by an agiel, a couple of times. Not many. She is exaggerating a little, and she doesn't know why.

Cara has little choice. Kahlan completed her part of the deal, she handed over the stone. Kahlan can't really do any harm to Cara or to herself with it. It would be futile if she tried to kill herself with it. Just as with the stone, Cara would revive her. And Cara would still have one agiel, and Kahlan's knife, and like Kahlan kept insisting, if she wanted Cara dead it would just take one touch, or one thing to push her over the edge into the con dar, and it was all over. So, reluctantly, Cara hands it over. She doesn't begin to understand why Kahlan wants it, but she sees little harm. Refusing Kahlan what she asked might just be the thing that pulled her into the blood rage. At the moment, they are talking, connecting, Kahlan is just sitting there, compliant, the way Richard wanted her to be. Kahlan was here with her, where she wanted to be, with who she wanted to be with. She had sent Richard away and asked for Cara. Kahlan was where she wanted to be, for now. Nothing could have stopped her jumping, sliting her own throat, or biting on that stone, not if she really really wanted to.

Richard is acting like Kahlan wasn't Kahlan. Like he was trying to get through to the _"real" _Kahlan. Just like Kahlan accused him, it was as if he believed she was darkly cursed and Zedd can wave his hands and magically his Kahlan would be back. Just the way he wanted her.

Cara disagrees. Cara looks, and she sees Kahlan. The same Kahlan she has always known. Just broken. Which is something a Mord Sith knows a lot about. That time she had been captive had changed her. There is no doubt something had happened to her. Some things, Cara knows, stay with you, change you, harden you.

Kahlan sits, closes her eyes for a moment, clasping both hands around the agiel.

"What are you doing?" Cara asks, slightly impressed that the Mother Confessor can hold her hand steady clasping the agiel, a cold hard stare on her face.

Kahan only shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes, and slight tremble in her hands, but still, all things considered, she hides it well. Cara wouldn't say it, but she is a little impressed. And something about it makes her shudder.

"Give it back, it's hurting you." Cara insists.

"It hurts you too." Kahlan states.

"I've been trained. I don't even notice anymore."

"I want to be like that." Kahlan tells her. "To not notice anymore." Her voice trails off eerily.

Cara knows, they aren't talking about the agiel anymore.

"We have time to kill, waiting for Zedd, if you want to tell me." Cara prompts.

"Your allegiance is to Richard." Kahlan dismisses her. But she drops the agiel to the ground.

For the moment, Cara leaves it there discarded on the ground with the knife, the rope, and the smashed up pieces of the alkalis stone.

"I thought yours was too?" Cara remarks.

"It was." Kahlan amits. "IS" she corrects. "It is."

* * *

**The following afternoon.**

Richard is breathless by the time he catches up with Zedd. Not that he rushed because he felt it important. He is confident that Cara will take care of Kahlan in his absence. It's just that running stopped him from thinking. Running had a purpose. It was something he could do, something practical. Kahlan had sent him to get Zedd, and get Zedd he would do for her. Because it was all he could do.

He caught Zedd on the path, heading back towards them.

"Slow down, dear boy." Zedd instruct as Richard takes a moment to catch his breath, leaning against a tree. "Start from the beginning."

"Kahlan needs you." Richard manages to say.

"What happened? Is Kahlan injured?"

"No. Not injured. But something has happened to her, she isn't herself, and she sent me to get you." Richard doesn't relay the part about Kahlan on the cliff top, knife at her throat, stone between her teeth. He also omits the part where Kahlan had sent him away. The desperation in her eyes, deaperate for him to leave. The way she took Cara's outstretched hand and let Cara lead her away from the edge, but wouldn't even look at Richard.

"There is no time to explain." Richard insists, pulling Oloron's amulet from his pocket. Cara would explain when Zedd got there. "Do you think the amulet will take me too, since the Mother Confessor isn't here? Maybe there will be enough magic? And if not I will walk back and meet you in a day or so. But you have to go to Kahlan, now."

"I don't know if the amulet will take you as well. We shall see. Give it to me." Zedd instructs.

As Richard hands Oloron's amulet out towards his grandfather, he feels the amulet getting warmer, almost burning into his skin. As it connects with the Wizard's hand, the light all around them starts to fade. It is mid-afternoon, on a bright day. Instinctively both men turn to the sky in wonder. Within seconds the sun is eclipsed, and for the blink of an eye there is total darkness descending upon them. Seconds later the darkness lifts, the sun shines again, as if nothing had happened. Zedd drops the amultet to the ground.

"Merciful creator, what on earth?" Zedd muttered.

"What is is Zedd? Did the amulet do that?"

"No." Zedd answers. "Not the amulet as such."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. But nothing good. We can't use the amulet. Pick it up and put it back in your pocket."

Richard does as his grandfather orders. "But Cara and Kahlan are waiting for us." He protests.

"Then we will walk, it's too dangerous to use the amulet right now."

"Because of the accident, when the amulet was torn?" Richard asks.

"I don't know, Richard!" Zedd snapped back in anger, then quickly apologises.

Richard sees a glimmer of fear in Zedd's eyes. He know better than to ask Zedd about it. Zedd will tell him what he needs to know when he needs to know it, and there isn't time to argue.

"Come on then, let's get going." Richard sighs, knowing that it will take twice as long travelling with the old man. But there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing but keep putting one foot in front of another. It feels good though, that he has found Zedd, that he is on his way back to Kahlan. That's what Kahlan wanted of him. And when Zedd gets there, he will know what to do, what had gotten into Kahlan, and he would set things right.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"It is my duty, and my honour, to serve Richard." Cara states. "And I will even admit I have come to see you and Zedd as well as Richard, as, well, not that bad. I mean, if you have to spend your days with people, there are probably worse people than the three of you." Cara finishes awkwardly.

Kahlan lifts her head, almost looking Cara in the eye, because she knows that it isn't an easy thing for Cara to say, and she manages to find slight amusement in Cara's discomfort. The last time Cara had come close to saying anything similar, was locked in the tomb, believing they would both be dead in minutes. And then, she had revoked it first chance she had, once a little oxygen hit her brain.

"I can tell you are making fun of me." Cara states "But the fact is, you, all of you, are my friends, my family. Especially you." Cara admits.

"Especially me?" Kahlan asks, caught by surprise.

Cara continues without really answering directly. "You once told me I had to try to show compassion. I thought it weakness. For such a long time. But I have come to realise, that love, compassion, mercy, these feelings are not weakness. And that is something I won't admit out loud to just anyone."

"So, Why tell me?" Kahlan genuinely wants to know.

"You taught me." Cara tells her, almost as if it is an accusation. " Richard too, but mostly you." Cara swallows, hard, and continues. "You could have confessed me, killed me, when you found out...what I did...to your...to Dennee. The truth is, I was a different person, it was a different world. Not that it is any excuse. I mean to say, I regret many things. But this changes nothing." Cara stumbles, trying desperately to find the words. "You showed me unbelievable compassion, and forgiveness. The crowd was crying for my execution. There would have been no blood on your hands. And I know you wanted to do it. I felt it, that anger, longing for vengeance."

Kahlan flinches a little, she never admitted to herself it was vengeance. She had called it _"Justice"_ at the time. Richard told her she was wrong. But who was Richard to tell the Mother Confessor about justice? Justice was what the Mother Confessor said it was. End of story.

"But you didn't do it." Cara finishes. "You wanted to, you even wanted to go against Richard to kill me. That's what got to me. You wanted to kill me, enough to go against what the Seeker asked of you. That's how much you wanted it, right?"

Kahlan nods, no point denying it now. She had been prepared to defy Richard, she wanted blood for blood. Justice for the brutal senseless crimes against her sister, her nephew, her fellow confessors. Justice upon this woman who had left her, as one of the last living confessors, the huge burden of Mother Confessor, of continuing the blood line, or maintaining the moral compass of the entire midlands. Yes, she wanted Cara's blood that day.

"But, you didn't." Cara states. "And, here we are." She adds, stating the obvious.

Cara didn't really know where she was going, what she was saying. She hadn't planned any of it. It just stumbled awkwardly out of her mouth.

"You said you saw remorse in my eyes." Cara reminds her.

"I did." Kahlan acknowledges.

"No one has ever seen me like that, no one has known me." Cara means it from the bottom of her heart, and wonders if Kahlan understands the significance of that.

Kahlan shrugs "It's what I do. It's what Confessors do."

"No." Cara tilts her head slightly. "You can't read a Mord Sith, you can't come close." Cara pushes her.

"What are you trying to make me say?" Kahlan finally asks wearily.

"I want you to tell me why you didn't kill me." Cara answers. She didn't realise until she had uttered the words, that she had always wanted to know.

"I told you, I saw your remorse." Kahlan dismisses her.

"How could you see that, Kahlan? How could you see that in a Mord Sith? How can you see anything inside of me?" Cara challenges. She knows she shouldn't be pushing Kahlan like this, about Dennee, about anything. But somehow Kahlan seemed more like Kahlan when they were talking. Surely it was better than fighting with knives and agiels, better than Kahlan running away. Better than trying to tie her to a tree and being killed in the con dar.

"Fine, whatever. I didn't see anything." Kahlan concedes. "Richard wanted you to live, and so I spared your life for his sake. Never would have heard the end of it from the high and mighty Seeker if I had killed you. I don't know why, but he insists on taking your side. On everything."

"Is that the reason?" Cara asks.

"Does it matter? Like you said, what's done is done and here we are." Kahlan tells her.

"Do you think about it, wanting to kill me, what I did to Dennee, the things I did during the war, is that what you think about when you look at me?" Cara asks.

"No." Kahlan tells her. She wants to say_ yes. Yes I think you are a monster, I hate you, I have always hated you, now shut the hell up and let me think._

But she can't quite say it. She could keep her voice steady and her eyes firm when she ordered Richard away, but she can't tell Cara that she thinks of her as a monster. She isn't sure what Cara is trying to get her to say. But she wont say that. Because it is a far cry from the truth.

"I wanted to see it." Kahlan whispers. "The remorse in your eyes. Maybe I wanted to see it."

"Why?" Cara is puzzled.

"Maybe because Richard saw it, I don't know. Why are you asking me this now?!" Kahlan is growing frustrated. Only mildly irritated. Not enraged, not like when Cara picked up the rope. Something different.

"Do you regret it, letting me live?" Cara always wanted to ask, never had the nerve. Truthfully she was afraid of the answer. Somehow Kahlan's opinion of her had come to matter a great deal more than it should.

"No." Kahlan answers quickly.

"Good." I guess I owe you one, then." Cara proclaims.

"I almost killed you. More than once. On purpose. You owe me nothing. Richard is the one with compassion, spared your life holding me down when I was in the con dar. I would have killed you if not for Richard."

Cara shrugs "Maybe so. "Maybe if I had never met Richard, or you, or Zedd, Maybe I would have killed you, if life had taken a different turn. But here we are."

Kahlan sighs.

"You know Kahlan, you can tell me what happened. I'm not Richard. Not some naive farm boy from the Westland. Nothing you could say will shock me, or make me turn against you. You know I've made mistakes in my life, I have my own father's blood on my hands. I am the last one to pass judgement. And if you want to well, talk, or something, I'm here."

Kahlan's expression softened for the first time in days. "Cara, no, you were a child, being manipulated. Your father's blood is not on your hands." Kahlan assures her. She can't help it. She falls into her confessor role, bringing truth, peace, comfort.

"There are always reasons." Cara answers. "But those reasons do not change the truth, or the horror, of the things we have to live with. I know that heavy burden of regret, guilt, shame. I see it weighing on you heavily. Tell me, what is wrong, Kahlan? You never know, maybe I can help?"

Cara prepared herself for all kinds of angry protests from Kahlan about minding her own business, or maybe even Kahlan laughing in her face at her attempt at a deep and meaningful conversation, something she was not skilled in at all.

But Kahlan simply says this "How do you see that in me?"

"Not the way you see it, not because I have a power. But because I know you, I know me, and maybe we are more alike than you care to admit." Cara tells her.

Suddenly Kahlan is crying in earnest. "I don't want Richard to ever know." She insists tearfully.

"I promise that anything you say to me will be kept in confidence."

"Even if it put Richard in danger? Even if you had to lie to him? You would keep my secrets?"

Cara pauses for a moment, before formulating an answer. "Richard used to be my reason for living. My redemption. I was trained to see the world as black and white. Good and Evil. And Richard, Zedd, you, all helped me to see the shadows of grey." Cara answers mysteriously as her eyes wander off into the distance blankly. She snaps back to her normal self and continues. "Besides, the worst thing I can imagine that would ever happen to Richard, is something happening to you, losing you. That would cause him unimaginable pain. I honestly don't think he could get past that. So, if it makes you feel better to look at it that way, then do. If you don't want to admit we are friends, and I wont hold it against you, since I recanted my dying proclamation as such, then think of it in a way that will make sense to you. Richard loves you, Richard would die if anything happened to you, I literally think his heart would stop. I've seen the bond, seeker and confessor. Maybe I was even a little jealous. Not that I want him for myself. Just I want to have that kind of connection to someone. And, simply, I serve Richard, yes, and he ordered me to stay with you and make sure nothing happens to you until Zedd gets back. And if you need to confide something in me that you don't want Richard to know about, I think he would understand, and you have my word that I will keep secret anything you tell me in confidence."

Kahlan is stunned into silence. She knows that was not easy for Cara to admit those things. And Kahlan is more than a little ashamed of herself that she had used the conversation to distract Cara while she reached for the other knife in her left boot. Kahlan twirls the knife in her hands, right in front of Cara. Cara only sighs. Kahlan knows suicide is pointless, not when the breath-of-life is sitting opposite her. Suicide was no longer her immediate goal.

Before Cara can react Kahlan takes the knife and slashes a deep laceration along the top of her right thigh.

Cara lunges forward to take the knife from her, yelling at her "What are you doing?!"

Kahlan drops the knife, and hands Cara the agiel. "Close the wound, with the agiel, like you did before, that time we were travelling and had no time to make a fire."

Blood is fast seeping out of the wound, spilling onto the purity of the white confessor dress, and over the muddy ground. Cara tears a piece from the dress and pressure to the wound. But Kahlan is right, it is deep, and at the rate it is bleeding there is no time to build a fire.

"What was that?! Have you lost your mind?" Cara yells at her. "If you are trying to bleed to death I can give you the breathe of life!"

"I'm not trying to bleed to death." Kahlan admits, her complexion fading to a pale shadow of what it had been.

"What on earth were you trying to do?!" Cara yells.

"Does it matter?" Kahlan asks calmly. "Just seal the wound with your agiel. Or don't."

"It will hurt more than last time, this cut is deeper." Cara warns her, but she has already the agiel in her hand, knowing there is no other way.

"Are you really going to let me bleed to death and give me the breath of life? Richard won't be pleased. Not when you can use your agiel to heal the wound." Kahlan taunts.

"I don't understand you." Cara says through gritted teeth as she readies herself to remove the pressure bandage and use the agiel.

"I don't understand you either." Kahlan answers. "And I hate it!" Kahlan proclaims. "I hate it, you being so close to Richard, to me, and I can't read you. I can't read you at all."

"Guess we're even then." Cara tell her. "So tell me, why did you do that?" Cara asks, examining the gaping gash to Kahlan's thigh, almost to the bone.

Kahlan answers, in-spite of herself. She feels dizzy from the blood loss. "Because I'm so tired." She tells Cara, and the tears fall earnestly.

Cara squirms uncomfortably but presses the agiel down onto the wound, and places her free hand on Kahlan's shoulder. She says nothing. But it means more to Kahlan than words.

Once Kahlan starts, she cant stop. "I'm so tired Cara." She says between moans of agony. "Please, just heal the wound, like last time, and I will pass out, I just need peace just for a little while. Please, I cant take it anymore, I just need to not be here…just for a little while...Cara please."

Cara nodded slightly. She didn't relish the idea of causing Kahlan pain with the agiel, or the idea Kahlan had hurt herself. but at least Kahlan was safe, alive, at least Cara found her before she jumped, or bit that stone, or something more permanent. Besides, Cara can relate, wanting to disappear, just for a little while, wanting to pass out and not have to deal with anything. Cara gets it.

She sees it, now Kahlan has let her guard down. Sees that whatever happened when Kahlan was taken captive by those mysterious strangers has shattered her. Absolutely shattered her. And the effort of trying rather unsuccessfully, to keep her happy face on and pretend she was fine, had left her exhausted. Maybe after Kahlan rested things would seem clearer. Zedd would come, and if any magic were involved he could help. And if not, well Kahlan needed him for some purpose anyway. Cara wonders what Richard would make of it if he walked in at that moment. All the blood, Kahlan crying and moaning, and Cara wielding the ariel, pressing it to Kahlan's body. He wouldn't understand it. But Cara can relate to the need for physical pain, the need for distraction, the need to block it all out. Last time Cara used the agiel on Kahlan she was passed out for hours. Maybe Zedd would be back before Kahlan woke up.

Cara stopped a moment, to examine the wound. She was about half done, and the area still red and inflamed. The knife had been filthy no doubt and the wound would get infected. But Zedd would fix that. Cara needed only one hand for the agiel. Before she placed it back to the wound on Kahlan's leg, she took Kahlan's hand in her free hand. Kahlan squeezed it tightly, unable to say the things she wanted. Unable to say _thank you, I'm sorry, yes I consider you my family too._ She merely held onto Cara's hand for dear life. She noticed Cara's hand trembling, she had never seen that. Kahlan looked up the the sky, the beautiful sky, and then she felt the blinding searing tormenting pain of the agiel against her flesh.

_Please,_ Kahlan willed herself,_ please pass out._ She can hear Cara distantly apologising, sincerely, and repetitively, and Kahlan feels momentarily bad for putting Cara in the position of having to babysit a mad woman. It's clear Cara is getting no pleasure from this. Not like the last time. The last time has been a smaller accidental wound, and Cara couldn't hide that little hint of glee.

For the longest time there is just pain. Starting in her leg and spreading all over. She feels herself shaking, involuntarily she cries out "No!" She feels Cara pull away. Kahlan's eyes shoot open and she grabs for Cara's blood stained hands, grasping them "No, don't stop, please, don't stop." She begs shamelessly.

With a sigh, Cara looks away from Kahlan's face, releases her hands, and places the agiel to the wound, searing the skin together.

The laceration is long extending down the thigh, and it feels like hours, though maybe it had been ten minutes, before Cara is finished. Ten long excruciating minutes of Kahlan moaning and crying. When Cara is finished, Kahlan stares down at the blood stained wound. The scar is barely there, as if it never happened But the pain, the pain is still there, red hot and shooting all over her body. The blood is still there, staining her dress, and Cara's hands. But there is no respite, this time she doesn't pass out. When it sinks in, after a few seconds, that she isn't going to pass out, that she is going to have to remain awake, one more minute, one more hour, one more day, the weight of everything, and now physical agony she cries like she has never cried in her life. She is sprawled across the muddy ground, rolled up into a ball, covered in her own blood, in mud from the filthy ground. She begs the creator for relief. She feels Cara stroking her hair but hasn't the inclination to shrug her off.

"Let me try something." Cara says softly. "This will hurt."

Kahlan cant speak, but nods lightly to Cara's suggestion, and Cara tilts her head slightly in response. Cara knows the spot, the exact spot to knock a person out for a couple of hours. And if Kahlan had asked, she might have done it without all the blood shed and games.

Something makes her feel sick about using the agiel on Kahlan, for any reason, it was a dark weapon that had tormented so many. Some deserving and some not. A weapon that killed. Killed her own father. Killed Kahlan's sister. But the sight of Kahlan on the ground sobbing in agony, physical and emotional agony, it's too much for Cara. She is powerless. She wonders what is the difference between the kind of pain that would drive Kahlan to the con dar- the rope, Denee's death, Richard in danger. And this thing, this different kind of fear and pain that drives her instead to hack a piece out of her own flesh just to pass out and make the pain stop.

Cara could see, on that cliff top, that Kahlan was at the end of her rope. And to cut her leg, almost down to the bone, Just so Cara would use the agiel, just so she can pass out and have a few minutes respite made her desperation all too clear. Richard might not have agreed but it was the only way she knew to bring Kahlan some peace.

"I'm sorry," Cara whispered ,as she pushed Kahlan over until she was lying flat on her back, and placed the agiel just below the heart, not close enough to kill her, but enough to cause her to lose consciousness.

Kahlan screamed at the pain, involuntarily. And as she felt the blackness take over her she whispered "Thank you,, Cara" before her eyes rolled back in her head and everything was darkness.


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN**____Thanks for the great feedback. I apologise for the delay in update...i will be posting a new chapter every couple of days until the end :) Hope you enjoy. _  


_**Chapter 5**_

As Kahlan stirs she feels a dwindling peace swirling surreptitiously around her. That moment between dreaming and reality. As always, the moment is fleeting, but flawless, peaceful, perfect. The beauty of a new day, a new start, tabula rasa.

It's not the pain she notices first. Not her aching broken ribs nor the stinging gash on her leg, or the lingering agony from Cara's agiel. Instead it's the startling, unusual, sensation of a warm body curled next to hers, fingers caressing her hair. It is a feeling she has not felt for a long time. People don't usually get up close to confessors. Not even Richard. Kahlan never could work out if he was just afraid one or both of them would lose control, or if he was using that to hide the fact he was afraid of her in general. Like most everyone else. That is harsh, Kahlan realises. She kept Richard at arms length. She maintained the distance. For her own sanity. But she kept Cara at a further distance, but Cara is here, next to her, and Kahlan doesn't want to move. It feels nice, nice enough that she forgets for a fleeting moment the darkness descending upon her day by day, the impossible choice, the wheels she has set into action that can not be stopped.

So she lies there, with her eyes closed, pretending she is asleep, pretending she is ok.

Finally she shifts slightly, as the pain in her leg returns, and she can not remain still a moment longer.

Cara moves abruptly "Sorry." She mumbles backing away quickly "Was I hurting you?"

"No.." Kahlan stammers. Almost wanting to ask Cara to lay back down beside her.

But is is too late for that. Cara is up, shaking out her bed roll. "It was cold last night, I didn't want you to catch a chill after everything else." Cara rushes a little too quickly to explain her close proximity.

"Oh" Kahlan acknowledges, looking downwards in the humble way a confessor is taught to do. "Thank you."

"How is your leg?" Cara asks. Cara says "leg" but she doesn't really care about the leg. She knows the leg will be fine. She did a great job healing the wound. It will hurt like hell for a while. But it will recover and Kahlan doesn't seem to mind the physical pain.

"Its better. It's fine. Thank you. You did a very good job." Kahlan says sincerely, but casts her eyes to the ground in shame as she remembers the way she had forced Cara's hand. Cara must think she childish, and quite mad.

"I'm sorry, I made you do that." Kahlan acknowledges.

"You could have just asked me. Didn't have to go to all that trouble." Cara tells her, slight annoyance in her tone. "You are lucky you didn't bleed to death, and then where would I be? Hmm? When Zedd and Richard turn up and you're a bloody corpse on the ground. Not even the breath of life will work if you lose too much blood, and don't go getting any ideas, either!" She adds

Cara's words sting more that a little. As if Cara's only concern was Richards reaction to her lifeless corpse.

"Sorry." Kahlan repeats. "I said I was sorry."

"It's fine. Next time just try being straight with me, There are a hundred ways I could have knocked you out for the night if that's what you wanted."

Kahlan nods in acknowledgement, wondering just what Cara really would have done if Kahlan had said "Please Cara, I can't take it anymore, please knock me out"

"What time is it?" Kahlan asks, and attempt to deflect the conversation.

"After noon. You slept for hours. I was getting worried." Cara admitted. "I hope you feel better."

There was a sincerity in Cara's words that made Kahlan's eyes sparkle with tears, which she viciously fought to blink back.

"Kahlan?" Cara asks, tenderly putting her hand on Kahlan's shoulder.

"Please don't." Kahlan asks.

"Don't what?"

"Just leave it alone Cara, please?"

Cara pauses a moment, looking into the Mother Confessor's eyes, and then the Mord Sith gives that slight nod of agreement. Its a subtle gesture, and if you didn't know Cara you wouldn't even notice the crooked nod, the raised eyebrow. But Kahlan knows that look. It was a sincere agreement between them. Kahlan trusts it, trusts Cara, and there are very few things she trusts in that moment.

"I made breakfast. Tried to. Not much to choose from, but it's food. " Cara changes the subject.

"I'm not hungry, thank you."

"You really should eat. I found some leaves over the other side of the clearing, they are supposed to be good for taking away pain.

"Thank you for the trouble, Cara, I really can't eat now. Im still so tired." Kahlan explains.

"Lie down, go back to sleep." Cara tells her gently.

"There must be something I can do?" Kahlan insists. It is not in her nature to do nothing.

"With your leg half cut off and at least 4 broken ribs? Not really." Cara tells her bluntly.

Kahlan hates the idea of being useless. It grated upon her. Especially because it was largely self inflicted injury that had made her so.

"Will you be ok for a minute if I go get some more wood for the fire?" Cara asks.

Kahlan wants to laugh. She is the Mother Confessor for crying out loud, injured or not she can take care of herself, and she wants to tell Cara so. But the fact is, she doesn't want Cara to leave.

Kahlan struggles to her feet valiantly, choosing a long branch from the ground as a walking aid. "Let me come with you. I promise not to slow you down much, the walk will be good for my leg." Kahlan offers. With only a hint of desperation behind the words.

"Rest will be better." Cara answers a little too swiftly,before she sees something in Kahlan's eyes, as if Kahlan doesn't want to be alone. As if she is … afraid. And one thing Cara knows more than any other thing is her duty. To Richard and by extension To Kahlan. To protect her and keep her safe until Zedd and Richard return.

"We can go later, plenty of time to get firewood. I'm a bit tired too." Cara tells her. It's not with effort that Cara speaks. Not like the time Kahlan had been injured, and refused to slow down, to stop, and Cara had been forced to declare that she was the one who needed rest. She said it at the time, laced with sarcasm. This time it is sincere. And the tone of her voice unsettles the both of them.

"Better to go now, before the the sun goes down." Kahlan speaks quite logially.

"I guess you could help point out good pieces of kindling." Cara adds, kindly, trying to make a purpose for Kahlan to come with her before Kahlan starts crying, or begging, or slashing her body parts. Speaking of, Kahlan takes that moment to instintively reach to her boots for her knives. Both gone, and her sword.

Before Kahlan even has a chance to muster the indignant rage, Cara explains. "I'm sorry. I hid them. I can't take the risk, can you blame me? And actually I'm not sorry at all." She ends the sentence sounding much more like the real Cara

"If we are attacked I need to defend myself!" Kahlan protests.

"That's what i'm here for, remember 'Protect Kahlan as if she were me.' Cara mocks Richards orders.

"Richard has a sword at least to defend himself." Kahlan retorts.

"Richard didn't try to amputate his leg last night" Cara said calmly.

"I wasn't trying to…."Kahlan started out angry then her voice dwindled into silence. How could she explain this to Cara, to anyone.

"Look you still have your power, you're far from defenceless, and if you're coming with me, you don't need any more protection than that. I will keep you safe, I gave Richard my word, and I give it to you." Cara assures her.

"I don't want to be kept safe" Kahlan mumbled, frustrated, not realising Cara even heard.

"Too bad for you." Cara mumbles back.

Cara reaches out to help Kahlan lean on her to aid her pathetic attempts at ambulation, even with a walking stick. Kahlan pulls away, instinctively, somehow afraid of touch. As if afraid Cara would hurt her, or perhaps as if she would hurt Cara.

"Let me help you walk, please, or it will be midnight before we get anywhere." Cara speaks the truth.

"Kahlan looked down to the ground, and nodded graciously accepting the help. She hobbled as fast as she could, trying to pretend her leg didn't hurt, trying to pretend it didn't hurt to breath in and out through those cracked and broken ribs. At the same time relishing the pain, because it took her mind off everything else.

"This will do." Cara announces, and helps Kahlan sit on a rock, once they reach an appropriate place.

"No," Kahlan answers, "There is more wood, further ..." She can't finish the sentence, she is too breathless.

"This will get us through the night, and Zedd should be here soon." Cara declares.

"Oh yes." Mumbled Kahlan, not trying to hide the dread in her voice.

"You don't want them to come back do you?" Cara asks.

"It isn't that." Kahlan protests earnestly

"Then what?"

"I don't owe you an explanation!" Kahlan snaps. "You just do your job, just follow Richard blindly, just keep me alive til Zedd gets back, and that's all you need to know."

"Fair enough." Cara answered coldly, not at all appreciative of being put in her place by the precious Mother Confessor. Her patience and compassion with Kahlan was fast wearing thin. Richard and Zedd had better be back soon, and then it wouldn't be Cara's problem any longer.


End file.
